I've talked about it many times before and to be completely honest, I'll talk about it many more times in the future. Many people in society claim to be "afraid of the dark" or "afraid of bears/ghosts" or something along those lines and although I may be afraid of some of those things too, none of those rank as my "biggest fear." My biggest fear (at least right now) is the future... I know, it sounds stupid, but it's not. I don't necessarily think my fear is a problem or abnormal, but I often question if there is anyone else out there that fears the future just as much as I do. Many people argue that moving to college and beyond is/was one of the best things that happened to them and because of this I don't want to live my life channeling the "best part of my life" into a tunnel of fear. After all, as my wise friend once said, "All fear stands for is false evidence appearing real." This quote will stay with me in my collection along with many others, but recently I've taken the time to reflect and think about WHAT I'm actually afraid of. What part of leaving is the least comfortable for me? Shockingly, upon my reflection, I came up with an answer. This answer (depending on how well you know me and your position in my life) can we interpreted many many different ways. None of these ways are either right nor wrong and this is because there is only one true answer and that is the one in my heart.
As much as I'll miss it, I'm not afraid of leaving Seymour, Wisconsin and I'm not afraid of leaving Seymour High School (the place/building itself), but what I wholeheartedly fear is that I will lost contact with those I love most. I know, I know, I can hear what you're thinking... "you'll make new friends don't worry" or "I'll call you all the time...." here's the thing... I don't want new friends. Now that sounds awful. Okay, let me rephrase that I want to meet new people and become friends, but I want to add them to my current friend group, not change my realm of friends altogether. Also, to comment on the calling me while I'm away thing... of course I want my friends to call me! I better get phone calls!!!! I want to stay in the loop! As a matter of fact, I already intend to plan out people who are going to call me after I've moved in (and my parents have left me at college). I need people and I need support and that will never ever change. Here is the one issue I have with that... I trust all of my friends I really really do, but there is going to come a point when they are going to get used to the fact that I'm not by their side every day at school. Are they going to fall victim to other people they meet taking my place? THIS, my friends, is what I'm afraid of. Going away and being replaced... and the thing I'll miss most? The people. For sure.
Let's get this straight. People doesn't just mean friends. I'm also talking co-workers, my parents, my friends, my teachers, my band director (and student director), my neighbors. It's going to be change and it's going to be different, but I know I'll make it through and I just to put all of my faith, trust, and pixie dust (yep, I went there) into my friends and family and I know we will all be just fine!
Thanks for tuning in to tonight's rant on my biggest fear... the next episode will be posted later or whenever I get overwhelmed about this topic again :)
Keep Calm and Visit "your future"
Where ever that may be for YOU!
A.B
Monday, May 4, 2015
Friday, May 1, 2015
Where Do I Start?
Why, hello everyone! I haven't blogged in seriously what seems like an eternity! I don't even know where to begin. It has been pretty freaking busy in my world. As a matter of fact I don't think I've blogged since my trip to Walt Disney World in January with my friends!!! We went to Disney for a little over a week and we all had the time of our lives. For those of you who don't know this trip was also my very first time on an airplane and my friends were completely thrilled that they got to be the ones to introduce this to me. The night before we left I was pretty nervous and ended up taking my anxiety medicine which tends to many me a little bit loopy. Most people would say "get some rest" or "stay calm," but my friends had a blast with the fact that I pretty much was crazy! Apparently, I claimed to be a pretzel in a pretzel warmer and swatted packing peanuts into a laundry basket... No clue. I don't remember. Then I managed to survive a two and a half hour lecture from one of my friends (who happens to love and be very educated with planes). I started by just doing the typical "uh huh" responses, but he must have caught on because he began to quiz me so I was then forced to pay attention. The plan ride turned out to not be as scary as I thought, but I don't like going up, coming down, or turning... (is there anything even left to like?!) I mean I guess I described it as not comfortable, but thanks to my friends I survived! We had a phenomenal time at Walt Disney World and I can't wait to return "home" once more. (Random side note: my favorite feeling is walking into EPCOT).
Senior year has been... senior year. Full of fantastic bitter-sweet moments and memories that will last a life time. We are now one month from graduation day and it's all starting to set in. I'll turn out alright and I'll survive that much I know, but I have my moments. I have my moments where I sit in my room and look at all my Disney stuff and all of the things that make me feel at home and I just cry. I feel stupid because I do it, but I do and it's who I am so I'm not going to be ashamed. I cry because... because I'm scared. Scared of the unknown, scared of leaving my best friends in high school even though they claim I've taught them well. Scared of going into the real world "alone" and scared of leaving what I know as my life. I'm happy where I am, but I know in my heart it's time for me to move on. I think one of my biggest fears is that I'll leave and people say that they will call me often and never lose contact, but what happens when they get jobs, or they go to college. Where will that take them? One of my friends could potentially be moving to Florida or California and as absolutely thrilled as I am... that scares me too. In three years my freshmen friends will go to college--- where will they choose to go? All of these questions cross my mind day in and day out, but I need to trust that whatever happens, happens for a reason. Its going to be difficult, but this next month I'm going to hold my head high and enjoy/celebrate my last month of high school.
Gosh, what else to I even talk about... so much has happened and so much continues to happen. Tomorrow marks my last state solo and ensemble performance, but for me that performance connects the best of both worlds. Brandon, Jonny, and I will perform an Alto Saxophone Trio as my last event... ever. Yes, that's right... two seniors and a freshman. I don't know a better representation of my position (helping the freshman). Brandon and I have worked for this trio and some could argue that we pulled Jonny to the top, but I'll stop right there and say that those people are wrong. Brandon and I didn't pull any weight but our own. We taught lessons and made memories, but not once did we have to force practicing to happen or tell each other to "know our parts." We all knew in our hearts what needed to be done and so we did it, and now we are here. Last week Saturday I went to UW-Oshkosh for my state solo performance (due to an accompanist conflict) and I received a rating of a 2 for a performance that I should be "incredibly proud of." Was I disappointed? Kind of... I mean yea, but no. My band director explained it the best. He said "Think of it like a ladder, you start with a 5 at district and you earn all the way up to a *1 --- then, the ladder starts over and goes beyond that where at the state level you start with a 5 and could potentially earn up to a 1." This representation helped me realize exactly how far I have come and I couldn't thank him enough for this great analogy.
We will see how things go for now and I know I'm missing plenty of topics that have occured in the past 4 months, but for now...
Keep Calm and Visit "Home"
Where ever that may be for YOU!
A.B
Senior year has been... senior year. Full of fantastic bitter-sweet moments and memories that will last a life time. We are now one month from graduation day and it's all starting to set in. I'll turn out alright and I'll survive that much I know, but I have my moments. I have my moments where I sit in my room and look at all my Disney stuff and all of the things that make me feel at home and I just cry. I feel stupid because I do it, but I do and it's who I am so I'm not going to be ashamed. I cry because... because I'm scared. Scared of the unknown, scared of leaving my best friends in high school even though they claim I've taught them well. Scared of going into the real world "alone" and scared of leaving what I know as my life. I'm happy where I am, but I know in my heart it's time for me to move on. I think one of my biggest fears is that I'll leave and people say that they will call me often and never lose contact, but what happens when they get jobs, or they go to college. Where will that take them? One of my friends could potentially be moving to Florida or California and as absolutely thrilled as I am... that scares me too. In three years my freshmen friends will go to college--- where will they choose to go? All of these questions cross my mind day in and day out, but I need to trust that whatever happens, happens for a reason. Its going to be difficult, but this next month I'm going to hold my head high and enjoy/celebrate my last month of high school.
Gosh, what else to I even talk about... so much has happened and so much continues to happen. Tomorrow marks my last state solo and ensemble performance, but for me that performance connects the best of both worlds. Brandon, Jonny, and I will perform an Alto Saxophone Trio as my last event... ever. Yes, that's right... two seniors and a freshman. I don't know a better representation of my position (helping the freshman). Brandon and I have worked for this trio and some could argue that we pulled Jonny to the top, but I'll stop right there and say that those people are wrong. Brandon and I didn't pull any weight but our own. We taught lessons and made memories, but not once did we have to force practicing to happen or tell each other to "know our parts." We all knew in our hearts what needed to be done and so we did it, and now we are here. Last week Saturday I went to UW-Oshkosh for my state solo performance (due to an accompanist conflict) and I received a rating of a 2 for a performance that I should be "incredibly proud of." Was I disappointed? Kind of... I mean yea, but no. My band director explained it the best. He said "Think of it like a ladder, you start with a 5 at district and you earn all the way up to a *1 --- then, the ladder starts over and goes beyond that where at the state level you start with a 5 and could potentially earn up to a 1." This representation helped me realize exactly how far I have come and I couldn't thank him enough for this great analogy.
We will see how things go for now and I know I'm missing plenty of topics that have occured in the past 4 months, but for now...
Keep Calm and Visit "Home"
Where ever that may be for YOU!
A.B
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